


Hurts Like Hell

by tabbytabbytabby



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo 2 [18]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Eddie Diaz, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 14:03:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18389882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Eddie wakes up to find Buck's side of the bed empty. A phone call sends his world crashing down as memories he'd been repressing come flooding back to him.





	Hurts Like Hell

**Author's Note:**

> For the "Hurts to Breathe" slot of Bad Things Happen Bingo.  
> I tried to talk myself out of writing this. I had people trying to talk me out of writing this. But I just can't help myself apparently. So some pain that I cried while writing. Check the tags.

Eddie wakes up to sunlight spilling through the curtains. He smiles and turns over, expecting to find the warmth of a body next to him. There's nothing. Only cold sheets that look like they haven’t been slept in.

He frowns and sits up, running a hand through his hair, trying to remember if Buck had taken an extra shift or had plans to stay elsewhere last night. He can’t remember anything. He shrugs it off, and gets out of bed, preparing to go wake Christopher.

He’s not in his bed either. And his suitcase is gone, along with his backpack.

He takes a deep breath and tries not to panic as he searches for his phone. He dials Buck’s number, but he doesn’t answer. So he tries Maddie. She doesn’t answer either. His next call is to Chimney. He answers on the third ring, sounding tired.

“Hey man, how are you holding up?”

Eddie frowns, “I’m fine. Except you know freaking out and wondering where my husband and son are.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line. Almost too long. Before Chimney speaks again. “Christopher is staying with Shannon for a few days, Eddie. We thought it would be best after what happened. To give you time.”

“Time for what?” Eddie asks. “What could have happened that I couldn’t take care of my son?”

“You really don’t remember?” Chimney asks, his voice quiet.

“What are you talking? Where’s Buck?”

Chimney takes a deep breath. When he speaks, his voice breaks on the words, as if he’s trying to force them out. “Eddie man. He’s gone. There was an accident last night and he didn’t make it. You took it pretty hard.”

Eddie lowers the phone as the room starts to spin. He feels his knees starts to shake as he lowers himself to the floor. He can’t breathe. It hurts too much. Memories of last night come flooding back in sharp relief.

Him and Buck being out on a date. Getting cornered in the alley. Buck trying to talk a gunman down and winding up shot. Shot right in the chest and bleeding out on the ground right in front of Eddie’s eyes, even as Eddie tried to save him. Buck doing his best to smile through the pain and reaching up a bloody hand to cup Eddie’s cheek and telling him he loves him. Buck closing his eyes and not opening them again even as Eddie screamed for help. Even as Hen and Chimney got there and tried to bring him back. Bobby having to pry Eddie away from Buck so that they could cover him up and load him onto a stretcher.

The realization that Christopher has no idea hits him. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to tell him. He barely understands it himself.

He puts his head in his hands and tries to breathe, but nothing works. Darkness is starting to cloud his vision and he thinks he might be about to pass about.

Maybe this is what he deserves. He couldn’t save Buck so why should he get to live?

“You have Christopher,” an all too familiar voice tells him. “He needs you Eddie.”

“But I need you,” Eddie whispers. He looks up, and knows for sure he has to be hallucinating when he sees Buck there, kneeling in front of him. “God I’m going crazy.”

“I could be a ghost,” Buck muses. “That would be cool. Sent here to comfort my grieving husband.”

“Ghosts aren’t real,” Eddie mutters. Though right now, he wants to believe they are. Wants to believe that Buck could really be here and that this isn’t all in his head. “I’m sorry.”

Buck sighs and settles down next to him, “You would blame yourself for what happened, but it’s not your fault. You did everything you could. It was just my time.”

“That’s bullshit,” Eddie hisses. “It wasn’t your time. You still had your whole life ahead of you with me and Christopher.”

“I had an amazing life with you,” Buck tells him. “You gave me the best few years of my life, Eddie. Both of you. You showed me what love really is, and I’ll always be grateful for that.”

Eddie has to fight the urge to close his eyes as fresh tears slip past them, rolling down his cheeks. But he can’t risk closing them and then Buck disappearing. He wants to hold onto this as long as he can.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you.”

“The same way you did before you met me,” Buck tells him. “You’re an amazing dad, Eddie Diaz. You’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t want to,” Eddie says. “I don’t want to do this without you. I’m not the same man I was before I met you. And Christopher… he loves you so much. So fucking much. This is going to kill him as much as it is me.”

Eddie can see tears building in Buck’s eyes, and wants nothing more than to reach out and wipe them away. To just _touch_ him. To hold him one last time. But he doesn’t dare try. He doesn’t think he can handle reaching out and coming in contact with nothing. It’s better to just imagine for a little bit longer Buck is really here.

“I’m sorry,” Buck tells him. “I’m so sorry, Eddie. I hate that I had to leave you. But I know you will be okay. Both of you. And even if you can’t see me, I will be here. I’ll always be part of you.”

“I love you,” Eddie whispers.

“I love you too,” Buck tells him. “Now wake up.”

Eddie frowns, and Buck starts slipping away. He fights to stay with him, to keep Buck in sight just a little longer. His eyes open, and Buck is gone. He closes his eyes again as sobs start to wrack his body.

Arms wrap around him and pull him closer, and he feels warm tears against his cheek that aren’t his own, before Maddie’s voice reaches his ears. “Oh Eddie, I miss him too.”

Eddie clings to her, resting his head on her shoulder as they both cry. He knows he’s going to have to pull himself together and talk to Christopher. Right now he just needs time. Time to prepare himself for telling his son the man they both loved more than anything in the world is gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/Comments make my day. ♥  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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